When an Imagined Relationship Feels Safer Than the Real One

Photograph by Nana Ampomah

Sometimes the relationship we imagine begins to feel more emotionally compelling than the relationship that is actually available. A person may focus on who someone could become, what an interaction might mean, or how deeply connected they might feel if circumstances changed.

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I use “fantasy-based intimacy” as a descriptive phrase, not as a diagnosis or an established psychological construct. Here, I mean situations in which imagined closeness with a real or imagined person begins to carry more emotional weight than what is mutually present in the relationship.

Imagination is not inherently unhealthy

Imagination, hope and some idealisation are common parts of close relationships. They are not automatically signs of pathology or avoidance. Research on social daydreaming has found that imagining people with whom someone already has a high-quality relationship can be associated with short-term increases in happiness, love and connection (Poerio et al., 2015). Research with couples has also found that some positive idealisation can be associated with relationship satisfaction (Murray et al., 1996).

Those studies do not examine the pattern I am describing here, and they do not show that every fantasy is helpful. They do show why fantasy should not be treated as harmful in itself.

When the gap may be worth exploring

The more useful question is whether there is a persistent gap between what is imagined and what is actually mutual. Concern may arise when clear evidence of distance or unavailability is repeatedly discounted, when needs and boundaries are not expressed, or when the pattern causes distress or interferes with daily life or other relationships.

For some people, imagined closeness may function as a coping strategy when loneliness, rejection or vulnerability feels difficult. That is a possible formulation, not a universal explanation. The same experience can arise for different reasons, and its meaning should be explored rather than assumed.

Stigma, prejudice and discrimination can add stress for some sexual- and gender-minority people and shape the social contexts in which relationships develop (Frost & Meyer, 2023). This evidence does not establish the specific imagined-closeness pattern described here. Identity and context should therefore be explored without stereotyping or treating them as the cause.

How it may be explored in therapy

Related processes, such as idealisation and transference, can arise in therapy. A therapist may invite careful reflection on what the client hopes for, what is actually present, how mutuality is understood and how professional boundaries are experienced. These experiences may be meaningful, but the therapist should not impose a single explanation.

Therapy may offer a place to explore what imagined closeness provides, what it costs and whether the person wants to pursue relationships with clearer communication, consent and boundaries. No specific therapy has been established for “fantasy-based intimacy” as defined here, and no particular outcome can be guaranteed.

This experience is not a moral failing. Curiosity can be more useful than shame: What is imagined? What is actually known? What is mutual? What do I need, and can I express it? Those questions create room for a more grounded choice.

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Mizrahi, M., Recanati, M., & Orr, R. (2019). What fantasies can do to your relationship: The effects of sexual fantasies on couple interactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(3), 461-476. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167218789611

Frost, D. M., & Meyer, I. H. (2023). Minority stress theory: Application, critique, and continued relevance. Current Opinion in Psychology, 51, Article 101579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101579

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79-98. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.1.79

Poerio, G. L., Totterdell, P., Emerson, L.-M., & Miles, E. (2015). Love is the triumph of the imagination: Daydreams about significant others are associated with increased happiness, love and connection. Consciousness and Cognition, 33, 135-144. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2014.12.011

Evidence last reviewed 22/08/2026. This article is for general information and does not provide a diagnosis or replace individual medical, psychological or legal advice. Therapy outcomes vary, and an approach that helps one person may not suit another. If you have new, severe or persistent physical or mental-health symptoms, speak to an appropriately qualified health professional.